Congratulations

Megan is a girl I have really fond memories of. It's been over a year since she left us to return to the states, and I can honestly say I've missed her on numerous occasions. I was a bit upset that I couldn't make it to her wedding, as I have tried to keep in touch with her the best I could, even if it was just over email or messenger. Anyway, at teh risk of this looking like an April Fool (it isn't) I thought I'd show you how special she is by posting her invitation online.

All the Best Megan. Simon is a very lucky man.

It's Official...

Today, is officially – DUMP YOUR GIRLFRIEND DAY.

That’s right. The men in the office are smiling.

I’m going to go ahead and presume that you DON’T know about this day because there isn’t some form of Hallmark card for it. Well, that’s because I’ve made it up. But it doesn’t make it any less true.

Today is the first day since mid-October that you can break up with a woman. You see, short of an absolute catastrophe, no man can leave a relationship within 9-12 days of a social activity. Men if this calendar is wrong, please tell me; cos I haven’t found 1 man that thinks it is.

Below is a real life exapmle, it's not short, but it's very very true:

September 30, Friday -:- you meet the lady in question

October 15, Friday -:- You’ve had a few dates, you’ve had sex, you’re considering moving on.

October 17, Monday -:- Her friends have invited you to their Halloween Party

October 18, Tuesday – Before you can make a good excuse, your new Girlfriend has made a big deal about you to all her mates.

October 20, Thursday – The best excuse you have is quashed by the promise of her wearing “a costume she knows you’ll like”.

October 21, Friday – Although you want to split up with her, you spent the weekend cuddling and asking for a sneak preview of the costume. The painters are in though, so there is no sex.

October 28, Friday – You do the same this weekend as well. You realise you have not actually gotten any sex from this woman for almost 3 weeks.

October 29, Saturday – You don’t have a costume. You have to go and spend a lot of money on a good costume, because you can’t get the idea of your woman dressed as the Michelle Pfifer all leather Catwoman out of your head.

October 30, Sunday – You wake up, really hung over; realising that your girlfriend came as fucking Rainbow Brite !!!

October 31, Monday – You want to split up, but you can’t for another week. The emails from all her friend, and worse the pictures, can be viewed by all for a week. You are part of “the new cute couple”; so you’re trapped.

November 11, Friday - You cancel a date, knowing that when she calls next you can say “we have to talk”. You head out with your mate, see lots of women, and dammit – you get horny.

November 12, Saturday – you go round to her to talk and break up with her. You’re going to be a free man.

November 13, Sunday – You got sex for the first time in almost 5 weeks; and infact it was GREAT sex. You know you didn’t break up with her; heck you might have told her you loved her.

November 14, Monday – You DID tell her your loved her. She’s told her friends. She’s told her parents. You’re a bad man, and you are out of your depth.

November 21, Monday – another weekend of no sex thanks to the dreaded Period.

November 25, Friday – you’re nearing your 2 week window to get out of the relationship; and she hits you with it. The early Christmas party. Yep, she’s in one of these companies that does their Christmas party at the start of December, and it’s in 7 days. You know this because she’s called you to say that she spent her lunch hour buying a dress.

November 26, Saturday – you go round to hers, planting seeds of doubt in her mind. Still no sex, or at least, what you’d consider sex. She did lie under you for 3 mins, but it was shit.

November 28, Monday – before you can get in any excuse, you have an email/text telling you that to make the Christmas do special, she’s decided to buy sexy underwear for the party. Damn, more money spent, and the party is in 4 days. You can’t dump her.

December 2, Friday – the party is the most boring in the world ever. There are 3 other hot women there, who all think you’re madly in love. You suggest a quicky somewhere to liven up the party. It doesn’t happen. She gets drunk, and you take her home. No sex.

December 5, Monday – Email, texts and pics again. You’re her “knight in shining armour” for taking care of her, and not being pushy about the sex thing. She’s sorry you didn’t get to see the new underwear in full glory. You tell her you did, though it had her sick down it, and wasn’t that great.

December 6, Tuesday – She tells you she’ll not wear any underwear then to your work’s Christmas party. You agree, attempting to get a few dirty texts from her in the process; thinking you’ll have dumped her by then.

December 7, Wednesday – You realise that your Christmas party is on Friday. It’s a dinner thing, so she has a seat allocated and booked. Balls. You think of making an excuse. When you phone, she says she’s just been to the waxer. It also means you can’t have sex this week. Still, waxed? It’ll be worth it.

December 9, Friday – She tells all the secretaries how ‘sweet’ you’ve been; and how you’re “not really missing” the sex. Oh God. You drink. Towards the end of the evening, she grabs you and takes you to the Bathroom. She lifts up her dress, and is… TOTALLY SHAVEN. There is a God. She then says that it’s for you when you get home. That god hates you. It’s only 8pm, you’re drunk (and drinking more), and you’re wandering around your Christmas party with a huge erection. The night ends with you peeing in a plant pot, and the boss phoning you and “your lovely woman” a taxi.

December 10, Saturday – Hungover. There is no sex (she wants you to rest and feel better).

December 11, Sunday – Feeling better, you want sex. But you can’t, she’s gone out for the whole day to do Christmas Shopping.

December 14, Wednesday – Finally, people have stopped talking about you (and her); and you can try to dump her before Christmas.

December 15, Thursday – She calls you to say she’s bought you a Christmas present, and she went a bit over board. You can’t dump her, and you have to buy her something.

December 25, Christmas – you’re screwed.

Jan 1st, new year – Still screwed.

Ok, I realise this is dragging on a bit. Basically the next few dates are annoyingly and evenly spread out; but all stopped you from breaking up with her:

Jan 14th – Her Birthday

Jan 30th – Rabbie Burns Day (she’s Scottish and had tickets to an expensive dinner)

Feb 14 – self explanatory. Worst fucking day of the year. You wanted to dump her months ago.

March 1st – Her parents arrive in London, and she bought tickets for all of you to go to some 4 hour musical about something incredibly boring. They thought you were making a joke when you wanted to go and see "The Lion King". You weren't.

March 17th – Big plans for St. Partick’s Day

March 27th – Yep – You can now dump her !!

I know this looks crazy, but this is what actually happened to Adam. We all have heard nothing but how he was intending on letting [the woman in question] down gently since October. From what I can see, 3 different men on my floor at work have had the same experience. They’re all breaking up with their women today or tomorrow.

Today, the Man has won one game. Finally, we claw one back.

Women 13 gazillion – Men ONE !!!

Can't think of a good title, as this is just a ramble...

Well, tonight was a bit of a washout. Infact a total washout.

I was meant to be meeting Nav and Bi-Sexual Helen, but it didn't happen. She lives far far away in West London (or as I call it BRISTOL), and arrived late enough to not want to head out. So she and nav stayed at his to watch Willow. Which was cool, other than I was bored. I'm actually ok for a Friday or Saturday night in, and sometimes it's even part of the plan; but this weekend I wasn't. I was bored.

So, I did a bit of work, drank alot of wine, and decided to reply to some emails. And I'm glad I did as they've been stocking up again. Most have been from blog directories demanding their icon go up on the site, and a few were about some fun things. Anyway, as I did manage to fire off about 15 good emails to people from the site; i noticed I'd had 2 replies while typing. Which meant... OTHER PEOPLE WERE HOME AND BORED TOO.

MSN. What a god send at times. I'd forgotten how much fun it is. Charli and Celine were online and both feeling well, but we did manage to pass away a good few hours chatting about nonsense, before I became so drunk I decided to go out of the house for a walk (read: See if any drunken girls were wandering along my street).

Upon my return, a new French person had added me to their MSN list. We start chatting, and they don't speak a word of english. They're name is Marie, and I'm using google's less than accurate translator to attempt a cheap chat up. Marie seems game, so I fire through a few semi naked pics, and then demand that Marie's webcam be turned on. And, he does oblige. Yep. HE. So there I am, dick in hand, waving it at the webcam, when I see that marie is a bloke.

The funny thing was, i had no idea how to control that situation. Neither did he. So, I say back down, and started saying sorry. We talked for about another 5 mins before it just got a bit too wierd. Not wierd because I was naked, or cos he was a man, cos that I wasn't too fussed about; but wierd because I was sitting with this massive hard on that THOUGHT he was about to get video-sex. I walked around with that hard on for about 30 minutes. I tried porn, I tried Lube, I was close to calling someone I vowed never to call again; and NOTHING would shift this damn erection.

It was really odd, and in a way, I think I'll blame Nav. or his cold. Or James and Kev for not being around. Or maybe I just need to broaden my circle of friends a little, to make sure I can go out when I want to. I think I'll have a look on Gumtree this week. God I hope it's gotten better than it was in December.

BTW - there is no purpose to this post. But I can't sleep.

OddPost

Rik from OddPost got back to me today about the BBC Online article. The whole thing is being submitted today, but I'm not expecting it to be online until teh start of April. His email has asked if I'd like a picture to go up on teh BBC website, along with the other blogs that are being interviewd. And this again raises the picture dilema. I know it's old ground we're covering here, but I'm going to do my damndest to not put a portrait up here.

If it means the article doesn't get onto the BBC website, then I might reconsider. I might give them the logo Kev made (the one with Darth and Yoda on my shoulder), but i dunno.

While I search for a good photo, I might post the interview that Rik did, just so you folks can see where I'm at with it all. I think some of the answers may surprise you.

Have a Great Weekend.

Grand Grand Plans

I know I said I'd post at least once a day, but it's a plan, not a promise. It's like... "I'll say when I'm  about to cum". Sure there's a bit of us that means it, but on the whole, it's just a lovely idea to make you happy. I mean, come on, it's like going to watch Star Wars and leaving the cinema once Luke starts his Death Star run. The ending is the best bit !

Yes, i am comparing Star Wars and Oral Sex.

Yes, Again.

Anyway, there has been no post for the past 2 days as I've been trying to write good answers for my BBC interview. The questions were a little different than i thought, and while I've had to edit a few of my answers, i've tried to go with my original and gut response for most of them.

The article is being submitted to the BBC tomorrow, and I think we can see it live sometime in the next 2 weeks. I'm excited, but not by what you think. Unless you're thinking that comparing Star wars to Oral Sex turns me on:

Princess Leia "You came in that thing? You're braver than i Thought"

Han Solo "I don't care what you smell, GET IN THERE"

Ok, so you'd be right about that too. But, this time, I'm excited about other things. I love that this site is used to bring a bit of humour to  people's work day; and I've spoken the past about how less and less people are commenting and more people are emailling me insead. I think that this BBC article may bring new people in who want to comment. Remember, my blog is about "hoping to understand people/men/women/relatioships/sex etc" and I'm going to make a big push for it to happen.

Oh, and I'm going to have a BIG announcement on Monday April 3rd.

Seriously big.

"Death Star" big.

No, thats not an oral sex reference.

Oh, fuck, it's actually a reference to something else (James, and my DVD player - buddy I gotta tell them)!! Ok, so THAT's a story I'm going to post at the weekend.

Spring is in the air...

It’s been an interesting few days. I’ve always enjoyed this weekend, and every year I try and make it special. Not that I try to out do myself every year, just make it great. For me, it’s the start of spring, the end of winter, and good times are just around the corner.

Thursday Night’s Antics meant that Friday night was actually a rather quiet affair, with Saturday being another day of frolics. Sunday was spent recovering, and Monday taking things easy.

I can’t shake the feeling that spring is starting to kick in, or at least heralding it’s arrival with a few golden rays of sun. I’ve had no luck at all meeting women through the normal channels. None of my friends have anyone that has interested me, and work is a some what arid place.

So where now? I think I’m going to start to push people in April. I’m going to ask friends to make a real effort for me, I’m going to go to a few more “New In London” things, and I think I need to consider some other options.

Internet Dating, and Speed Dating. I’ve nothing against them, but if I can avoid using them, I will. There is still a slight stigma attached to internet dating, and speed dating can be expensive if is fruitless.

And this blog? Yeah, it’s going to have more regular but smaller posts. Hopefully, it’ll have less of the drunken stories, and more of the social commentary and understanding I was going for.

This could be interesting :-)

The Day after the night before that starts the weekend

I'm so glad I took today off. Really I just wanted to make a long weekend of it, and maybe get in a bit of pre-celebrating of Ireland beating England at rugby. Also last year the proverbial hit the fan at work, and Lisa was made to wait until 9pm for me to even head home for a shower. I didn’t want that this year.

And of course the day before Friday is Thursday, which meant there were a few people out and about in Angel. Kev and James are both away, so I was going to give it a miss; but thought the better of it when Nav said he was brining some fresh meat (or new people depending on whether you’re male or female).

8pm. First stop The Junction at Highbury and Islington corner, mainly due to it’s proximity to my flat in case it all goes Pete Tong. I need not have worried as the place was teaming with great looking women. There was a student fashion show after party, and while I was being civilized in staying away from the belly dancing frolics, it did lead to a large amount of alcohol being bought by the others in an attempt to ignore what can only be described as a slice of heaven.

I tell ya, if 7 of those beauties is what the Koran promises martyrs I’d be strapping on the semtex quicker than you can say “Josie and the PussyCats”.

10pm. Nav duly turns up with some nice people from his new play, and 2 Americans. It’s a nice group, and they have the decency to ignore my blatant flirting and pretend I’m talking to their eyes. I wasn’t aware that without Kev’s constant commenting (which is mostly humorous) I’ve a tendency to just say whatever’s on my mind; which unfortunately resulted in Nav and I singing “De’jour – Back Door Lover” from the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack. I was quickly dragged to the toilet, beer in hand. Which lead to the next embarrassing statement on my return when I proceeded to show everyone this picture to prove “how you can pee, and keep your beer even if you dick requires two hands”:

 

12pm. Walkabout. I think these photos will explain how this went.

Yep that’s 40 shots. There were 12 of us. 2 were not drinking. 3 people had 1 shot. Someone had a whole tray to himself. That someone is still feeling the effects of drinking 19 shots on top of the normal night out’s alchohol.

He also managed to get really blow it for Nihat with one of the Americans. For when the need arose and Nihat said “she’s coming, be in the middle of a conversation”, this man, a god among men even if he does say so on his own blog said “Of course everyone can appreciate intercourse with a goat mate, I couldn’t agree with you more” then walked off. Genius and Funny!

2am. Heading to Nav’s for an after-party party. We might have been involved in the following. That’s not me being coy, it’s simply for the fact that I was too drunk to remember, but I have the photos on my phone and some odd comments flying around the emails this morning.

But this I do remember, as I tried to teach the German girl about the joys of Kebabs at 2.30am; she spots this mouse in the window of my local take-away.

After I finished my burger, I vowed never to eat there again.

3.30am We made it to Nav’s and everyone was geared up for the party. Except me, who literally fell over, passed out. Classy.

These people are never going to talk to Nav again.

I tried to comfort him today by tellng how much worse it would have been if Kev and James were there. It didn't help.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Middle of March

I actually wanted to write a well versed post making some obscure but intelligent reference to the Ides of March. But frankly, I have no idea when that is. So instead, we're celebrating the middle of march.

"World Champion's " England have been humped at the Rugby and Cricket, and the only English team in the Champions League is French; so all in all work has been quiet. It's actually a bit of a blessing before the "This is England's Year" nonsence that the papers convince people of in the run up to a major footballing event.

So, I stayed in this weekend, and enjoyed it. I've 4 things I really want to write about. 1 is a post I've already had to take down at a friend's request, 1 is something I'm not sure about the phrasing, and the other 2 are not exactly work safe. Now normally, that doens't bother me, but somethign has changed.

This week I'm being interviewed for an article on Blogging for the BBC. I doubt it'll bring any more people this way, but I'd hate for people who do follow any links to get into trouble at work. So, the follow up to the GILF story and the 6 &4 episode are all on hold. they're good folks, but they don't help me in strive to get a better understanding of men and women or even the dating scene.

China Blues...

Last Wednesday I went out in Kensington for a few 'posh' beers (tasted like dishwater but cost £7) with a few ex-work colleagues. They're a bit well-to-do but nice once you know them. Anyway, one of them suggest heading into a "celeb-hang-out" club in the west end; and his willingness to pay the taxi and admission duly wins us over.

This boy was flashing money around all over the place, and to be honest, I felt a bit embarressed. We ended up with a table in the first V.I.P bit (there is a second one for really famous people); where the champagne flowed (you had to pay for it to get the table). There were a large number of really good looking women, and not just your barbie type or women in slutty clothes; but as teh night went on we sent one of the boys over to chat up this... Barbie.

Drunkenly, he stands up and about to wander over, and peer's as to who it is he's going to talk to. Not realising quite how loud he is, or our proximity to the woman in question, Mark turned to us and shout "Fuck Off. I'm not sleeping with Jodie Marsh, fuck knows where she's been!!".

Que 4 bouncers, and us being shown to the 'normal' area.

Cheers Mark.